Citations & Excerpts

Living With An Addict
Spouses Struggle and Suffer in Battle with Demons

July 25, 2004
By Rebecca Mahoney

For much of her eight-year marriage, Theresa woke up wondering what kind of day it was going to be: Would it be a sober day? Or would it be a day when her husband would get high again?
 
Her husband's addiction consumed her. She was always on edge -- waiting for the next time he would disappear, only to return hours later smelling like crack.
 
She thought she could change him. She thought he would grow out of it. She thought it was her fault.
 
"I'd sit in the living room thinking that something was wrong with me," said the 43-yearold East Polk woman, whose last name is being withheld by The Ledger. "I was always waiting for the next crisis, the next time I'd send him to the store and he wouldn't come back."
 
It took her eight years, a series of failed attempts to get him to seek help and several incidents of domestic violence before Theresa filed for divorce.
 
But even now, nearly two years after she walked away, she still wonders whether she could have done more.
 
"Do I love him? Yeah. I'll probably always love him. That hurts," she says. "It's very sad to see someone destroy their life like that."
 
As Theresa well knows, addicts don't just hurt themselves. They often cause unbelievable pain for those around them. Researchers and addiction counselors estimate at least four people are personally affected for every one person's addiction problems.
 
For the spouse of an addict, it's often like being in a marriage of three: Husband, Wife and Addiction, with addiction frequently calling the shots.
 
"I have come to believe that the only thing worse than being an addict is to be in a relationship with one," said Bruce Cotter, a recovering alcoholic who is now an addiction counselor and author of "When They Won't Quit," Pathway Book Service, 2002, $19.95.
 
Although definitions vary, addiction is generally defined as a strong emotional and/or psychological dependence on a substance, such as alcohol or drugs, that has progressed beyond voluntary control.
 
The most common chemical addictions are drugs and alcohol, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, although people can be addicted to anything -- sex, pornography, food or gambling, for example.
 
An estimated 22 million Americans 12 and older in 2002 were classified with substance dependence or abuse, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. These addicts make up about 9.4 percent of the total U.S. population.
 
Although many addicts do seek help and eventually learn to lead sober lives, those efforts typically come after long and painful struggles that likely affect family members and loved ones, including their spouses.
 
"Addicts take their spouses hostage," said Cotter. "The addict will decide the overall health of the relationship: How they will parent. Where they will live. Who their friends will be. How much or how little money they will have. Whether or not they will have legal problems. Generally, how their lives will be lived."
 
For one 45-year-old Lakeland woman, who asked that she not be identified, being married to an alcoholic was like being married to a man with a mistress.
 
Alcohol "came first in his life. He always made exceptions for it," she said.
 
Her husband's dependency on alcohol dictated the way they lived their life, she said.
 
He wouldn't go to family functions unless they were serving alcohol. He wouldn't go to any amusement parks but Busch Gardens and EPCOT because they are the only ones that serve alcohol.
 
When she put her foot down and told him she didn't want beer in the house anymore, he started going straight to bars or friends' houses after work.
 
"It was just a constant struggle," she said. "It was very unpredictable. It's frightening."
 
Researchers think some people specifically choose to be with addicts. Either they are addicts themselves, or they seek out -consciously or subconsciously -people who need them.
 
"It's not uncommon to hear a story where a person has gone through a series of relationships with an abuser," said John Kilburn, chairman of the sociology department at Eastern Connecticut State University. "Some people are more comfortable with individuals who are needy or substance abusers. It gives them a special feeling of worth."
 
Others, like Theresa, will think their spouse's problem is minimal, and that it will eventually go away.
 
"I knew he had a problem before he met me, but he said he was over it," she said. "I was very naive about drugs. I thought when you were done, you were done."
 
Of course, his problem didn't go away -- it gradually grew much worse.
 
Once, he sold her car for drugs. He pawned his Christmas gifts, including the circular saw she gave him, for drug money.
 
Another time, she was throwing a dinner party and sent him out for Bisquick, only to have him disappear for two days.
 
She tried to get him help. He started recovery programs through Narcotics Anonymous three times, but each attempt ended within weeks. He went into rehab at Tri County, a substance abuse and mental health center in Lakeland, but that didn't last, either.
 
Meanwhile, she tried to get help through Al-Anon, a support group for friends and family of alcoholics, but found it hard to relate.
 
"It was mostly older people with children who were addicted to drugs. I was the only spouse there," she said.
 
Nobody can force an addict to get help, or to stick with a rehabilitation program, said Mary Lou, a recovering alcoholic who now works for the national organization of Al-Anon. It is AlAnon's policy not to use the last names of people in the program or of people who work there.
 
That can be a hard thing for the spouse of an addict to realize, she said.
 
"They think, `There must be something I can do to make them stop drinking, to make them change the way they think, to get them to understand there's a problem,' " she said. "But the reality is, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it."
 
Eventually, said Cotter, it comes down to this: either accept the addict the way they are, get them help or end the relationship.
 
"It is not a phase," he said. "They're in it. They're addicted. That's it. You have to make a decision."
 
Spouses of addicts are in a unique situation: Unlike other family members, such as parents or children, they are the only ones choosing to stay in that relationship. They are the ones who are free to stick around, or walk away.
 
It's a very personal, often difficult, decision.
 
"There's definitely a line for everyone," said Cotter. "Take your best shot (at getting them help), and then if they continue to spit in your face, for your own sake, you have to get out of it."
 
Cotter, who tries to help couples work through addiction problems and stay together, said there are no hard and fast rules for deciding whether to stay or go. The only absolute, he says, is if the addict becomes abusive.
 
"When physical abuse enters the picture, get out," he said.
 
If you do decide to leave, make sure it's for good, said Kilburn, of Eastern Connecticut State University.
 
"It's not effective to threaten to walk away," he said. "Expecting that an individual is going to change because you walked away . . . is highly ineffective."
 
For Theresa, it came down to a desire to be free -- free of her husband's problems, free to raise her three boys in a substancefree household, free to live her life the way she wanted.
 
"People need to know they don't have to be stuck in that relationship," she said. "They're strong enough to get out."
 
Now, Theresa said, she is focusing on building a new life, one that is far removed from addiction.

"If I know somebody's doing drugs, that's their problem. I stay away from them," she said. "That's not something I want in my life ever again."

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